Why Am I Different?
So many different events lead me to ask this question many times. Everyone talked about having a girlfriend, and I had a few. But my actions never reflected my inner reality. Sports, my entire childhood was baseball, football, basketball, gymnastics, track and field, and anything outside. Even though I was a great athlete, my actions never reflected my core. The only time my actions revealed my truth was when I was alone. That moment in time gave me the realization that I was different. Why? Because what everyone saw from me was a veneer that hid a reality that only I knew; being gay and betrayed sexually. Crying not allowed.
A Taste Of Freedom
If I could hide my inner reality from the world and don the robes of a Franciscan, externally, I could live a life of charity and give myself freely to others. The best of both worlds. How wrong this turned out. Hiding who I was behind the comfort of my protection grew my ego and hid my pain. For the first time in my life, I realized the strength of the ego and the freedom I could have if I learned to let it go. My time was not without enormous growth: undergrad, post-graduate studies, prayer, meditation, working with the poor, working with HIV+ men and women, working in mental health, understanding and dealing with being betrayed as a child, all led me to an external reality that began to mirror my inner truth. Ah, freedom!
Motivations Behind Behaviors
What makes us tick? This question sits with me today. What is the motivation behind our behaviors, and how can we replace our less desirable behaviors with healthy ones that represent our truth? We do this by taming the ego. The first step in taming the ego is to become aware by taking a moment to pause and reflect. But it's not just an awareness of your behavior, but being an observer of other's actions or what society deems as appropriate. It takes a while to be free and willing to look for the aspects that enhance you; behaviors that lead with compassion, being self-driven, a good leader, externally strong when needed, compassionate, patient, trusting with rationality while creating collaboration with care. In taming the ego, we can reject those behaviors such as dominance, being forceful, or egocentric, which damage or harm your well-being and the well-being of others.
It took me a while to understand that being a man was not necessarily what society deems masculine. Masculinity is my truth, but it took a long time to get here. When men are abused, living a life based on what society views as masculine can be difficult. Self-defeating thoughts and statements can have an impact on what it means to be a man. But taking a step back from my day and viewing the world from a different perspective allows me to see myself and others free of judgment and filled with compassion. So what does it mean for a man who was betrayed as a boy to find his masculinity? It means that we operate from compassion, not fear or anger.
Why Am I Here?
I'm here because I'm just like you. I'm pretty happy with the way I've turned my life around. I have a job, a family I love, and friends that are important to me. I've struggled with finding myself, finding happiness, and finding a job that didn't just pay the bills, but brought me meaning. But quite frankly I can't think of any other place to be. I'm also here to help you work through any thoughts and feelings you may have by creating a crystal clear vision for understanding stereotypes that don't define you. Working with me is a judge free zone to assist you with uncovering the hidden challenges surrounding shame and self-doubt. I provide a safe environment so you can leave each session renewed, energized, and inspired to worry less about being betrayed and empowered to reclaim your life.